I have spent the last 3 weeks mulling this over in my head. Fear can come in many forms. There are the little things you are afraid of like giant spiders, praying mantis or centipede's. Then there are the irrational fears that you have such as your husband and kids being harmed in some way, or my big irrational fear which is my children being kidnapped. Then there are basic fears like not having enough money to pay the bills or do all the things you want to. But I think the fear I would like to explore the most would be my fear of not accomplishing anything great. This is something that consumes my waking mind and my hope is that once I get it down, maybe my logical mind will read it and set my mind at ease.
I have this insatiable desire for greatness. I cant quantify greatness and therefore will never know once I have gotten there. I know this is a step I must take so I will know when I can start going easy on myself. But here is were fear sets in. I don't take that extra step. I never get to that. My driving task right now is trying to decide what to take in school as part or all of a degree. I didn't go to college, in fact didn't graduate from high school. I had a baby. A baby who is growing into a wonderful man that I am lucky enough to say I had something to do with. I busy myself with thoughts of how I am wasting time with my indecision, yet I do nothing about rectifying it. I usually just move on to some other goal and hope I can achieve that one. But when you never get passed that research phase, you can never accomplish anything. My fear is that anything I choose will be the wrong thing. And what is my driving factor in choosing a degree and career? Money. That is the end result for me. Is this wrong and a bad way of looking at your future? Possibly. But to me, it feels like the only thing worth working towards. Do I love money and am I obsessed with it? Not at all. I couldn't even tell you how much my bills are, or how they get paid. I don't obsess with money in the way most people do, in fact I hate money. But I know I need it, and lots of it. That's the only thing I care about, lots and lots of money. But how much will be enough, I have no idea. I can pull figures out of the air, $75, 000, $100,000, $250,000 which one am I really looking for? I don't know. The few things I do know about myself is where my need for money comes from, it comes from growing up without. It's hard to be the kid with nothing, while not only do the kids at school live much more well off, but so does your extended family. I know exactly why I want money, because I am trying to tell that little girl who is wearing hand me downs from her rich, male cousin that you will be great one day and you will have it all. And anyone that thought the opposite of you will eat crow. It would be the biggest middle finger in the air to everyone who ever doubted me.I got the shock of my life about a year ago when speaking with a fellow colleague. We talked about our lives, our responsibilities and such. She turned to me and said "You have it all. You have the most amazing life" She could have blown me away. I've never stepped outside or my own head berating me to constantly work harder to take a look at what other people saw. They see a family that cares deeply for one another, a beautiful brand new house with all the furnishings, beautiful clothes for every member of our family, fantastic vacations, great cars and a career that sent me travelling all the time and doing all this with only a slip of paper that lists my name and the initials GED awarded Summer 2009.
So in my logical head I look back at this and think, wow. I really have done well. Maybe I just need to change the way I view everything. Maybe instead of trying to prove something to some random people, who have probably never given me another thought, I should work on running my own race and trying to just find something that will make me happy. I need to get over my fear of failure to truly succeed.
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